I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
