I just googled if crying burns calories
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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