they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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