I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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