Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
