Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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