got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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