Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
