I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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