You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
