Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
