Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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