her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
