When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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