He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
