He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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