I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
