hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
