I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
