so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
