every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
