that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
