I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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