our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
