dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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