just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
