I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
