stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
