you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
