omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
