Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
