you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
