I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
