I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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