quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
