her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
