So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize