You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
