dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
