watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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