I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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