I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
