Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
