Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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