you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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