So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
