shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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