He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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