i already hear my dad disowning me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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