Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
