it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
