You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
