***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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